Glue This!

I hate Super Glue. I really do. It’s made by some sadistic folks who have nothing better to do than dream up ways for dorks like me to permanently stick things where they are not supposed to be stuck.

First they tell you to stick the pin in the opening, knowing full well the moment you do the stuff it going to spurt out and you can’t frickin’ wipe it up because by the time you get a paper towel the vial is already stuck to your fingers. Yeah, nail polish remover. Being a guy I just happen to have that on my shelf, right next to the strawberry body wash and defoliant. Uh-huh. So you walk around with a little plastic tube stuck to your hand until you can get to the store and actually buy the polish remover—unless you aren’t particularly partial to the patch of skin it’s glued to or into that sort of pain…

Of course, what you really want to glue…won’t stay glued. The tube is hard so getting out just one little drop is as likely as a seagull not pooping on your car hood to minute after you drive out the carwash. You try to hold the piece of whatever you’re gluing in place, praying you didn’t get the glue on your finger because though the two sides of the object surely didn’t take you just know your finger did, and explaining to everybody why you have half a sex toy stuck to your hand, well…need I go into that?

And God, if you’re a guy especially, do NOT go to the bathroom after trying to use this stuff. There are just some things you cannot explain and that your hand is in your pants all the time is one of them…