The Complete Dork's Guide to Horror (Movies)

So you're a dork and you like horror movies. No, because you're a dork, like your writer here, you haven't seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre a hundred times. But Santa Claus Conquers the Martians just might squeeze into your holiday scare marathon.

That's OK. Really. Be proud of your dorkiness. I am. Dorks unite.

With that in mind, this is the first in a series of lists for the discerning dork about all things horror--movies, books, games and perhaps the worst Taco Bells throughout the land. So sit back, fire up the DVD player and know, fellow dorks, you are not alone.

Oh, we have movies...the top Dork Horror picks are:

1) Well it's not available on DVD yet (legally!) but surely Don't Be Afraid of the Dark ranks up there among the best. Little known outside the horror world, this 1970s made-for-TV-wonder starred Kim Darby and some particularly nasty little goblins who live in the walls of her new home. So much for property value. Moody and tense, however, this is a gem amongst the dork's most request DVD releases.

2) Ok, technically a TV show and not a movie (though two movies were based on it), Dark Shadows. Sure, sets wobbled, actors continually flubbed their lines, and sometimes the writing was enough to make you drive a stake through your head, but it also had some of the genuinely scariest moments ever transferred to film. The ghost of Quentin Collins in a rocking chair by Rachel's bed in the dead of night; a headless body in the woods, lying in wait of innocent young things; a living head in a glass case and a creepy wrinkled hand in a ornate box. It took daytime TV and horror TV to new levels (while scraping the depths of a few others.)

3) John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness. Highly under-rated, cerebral horror mixed with the Biblical and physics. My dork complaint might be it didn't quite go far enough, but it presented some truly creepy moments and left some intriguing questions. And Alice Copper…need I say more?

4) Phantasm. Well, this one might end up on many horror fans' lists, but even a dork makes a mainstream pick once in a while! Is there really any horror icon creepier than the Tall Man? And all the funeral and mortuary stuff.

5) The Screaming Woman. Another 1970s Saturday Night movie of the week, this is technically not a horror movie, but let's face it, any story borrowing from Poe's Buried Alive theme is good for a few creeps. Not available on DVD yet, either, but we dorks live in hope.

6) The Unholy. I hear groans from horror aficionados, but there's a lot to like about this movie. For one, Ben Cross (an excellent Barnabas Collins in the Dark Shadows Revival Series) as a fallen priest tempted by a lovely woman (as a dork they would have had me there) and things that go bump in the church. Why Cross hasn't been in many more horror films is beyond me. He makes the movie. This isn't out on DVD either, unfortunately.

There are more but I'll cover them and books in future articles. But before I go, what would any list be without at least a couple guilty pleasures? Very guilty.

1) The aforementioned Santa Clause Conquers the Martians. Oh, stop it! Hoo-ray for Santy Claus, I say! Come on, it WAS Pia Zadora's first film--that has to count for something. I force, I mean, coax my niece into watching it every Christmas, right along with A Charlie Brown Christmas and Rudolph. Is it horror? You be the judge. My niece seems to think it is...

2) The Snoop Sisters horror episode. Anybody remember this short-lived mystery series starring Helen Hayes and Mildred Natwick in the ‘70s? I thought not. And probably with good reason. But there’s no accounting for taste. The episode featured Alice Cooper singing I Love My Things. Nuff said.

So what do you think, gentle Dorks? Am I missing a few? Want to add your favorite dork fest to the list?