For the next two days I leave Dark Bits in the very capable hands of Ian Parnham as he relates his personal ghost story and updates us on A Fistful of Legends, the sequel short story anthology to Where Legends Ride. Ian writes westerns for Black Horse and Avalon under the name IJ Parnham and lives in the misty moors of the northeast of Scotland. He also oversees the online magazine Black Horse Express (http://www.blackhorsewesterns.org/) and runs the Black Horse Western blog (http://blackhorseexpress.blogspot.com/ ), as well as his own, The Culbin Trail (http://ijparnham.blogspot.com/ ). You can visit his webpage at www.ijparnham.co.ukA True Story for HalloweenIt was Halloween, about five years ago. In truth the date adds nothing to the story other than that I was a bit distracted by the possibility of pesky kids turning up at the door later Trick or Treating and I would end up having the usual 'But, you're British' argument. My task was simple enough; go round to a nearby house and feed the pets while the owner was away.
When I arrived it was sunset and deep red rays were shining through the windows, providing an appropriately hellish tone. I found the key in the secret place nobody would ever think of looking, then opened the front door. I was immediately struck with the feeling that something was wrong. I didn't know what. But something was wrong. I opened the door to the kitchen, letting more red light into the hall. The feeling of wrongness grew. Then I realized what was troubling me. There was an odd humming sound, one of those deep low hums that reverberate through your body without you ever actually hearing it. But what was causing it? I looked around. I saw nothing that looked like it wanted to hum. And then I looked up.
Looking up happens a lot in horror movies, that Alien moment when the person who is about to be mincemeat thinks something is wrong, and then they look up… I lived to tell the tale, but I thought of Alien at that moment. Something was living on the ceiling, some weird alien thing that slithered and pulsed, shiny black all over and humming. I stood in shock unable to move, until with a change of perspective my eyes told my brain what I was seeing. The ceiling was covered in flies. Not just an annoying few you can dispatch with a newspaper, but thousands upon thousands of them. They'd congregated to create a single living organism, flies on top of flies on top of flies, that hung down in pendulous masses, the final light of the day goading them into a disgusting writhing dance.
Then slowly the light died and they settled. They were still a disgusting sight, but not in an Alien, I'm-about-to-get-scooped-up-and-scoffed way. But when my heart stopped thudding, a new thought hit me. Why are all these flies here, especially this late in the year? Closely followed by the answer: dead things. In an instant I put two and two together, got a disturbing answer, added in a dash of observation, got a more troubling answer, mixed in some recent events… I sat down.
The owners' marriage had broken down recently. I hadn’t seen the husband for months. She had been distressed when she came round. She'd been in a hurry to leave and hadn’t stopped to chat after asking me to feed the animals. There was an overpowering smell from the aromatic candles, lots of candles, candles that might mask an unpleasant smell. I looked up again. The flies had massed around the loft door in the ceiling. So that's what had happened. She'd killed her husband, dumped his body in the loft, flies had enjoyed themselves, she'd masked the smell with candles, the strain of covering up had become too much and she'd run away in a hurry. Only a last thought for her animals' welfare had led to me being here.
Quiet Village Shocker, the headlines would scream, Headless Horror House. I'll never eat haggis again, distressed neighbour declares as his house halves in value. I had to go in that loft and find out the truth.
For the purposes of spooky story telling I should say I found a ladder and climbed up, but for the benefit of the truth I'll admit I then did the Laurel and Hardy act that I always do when a ladder is involved. The ladder was in a duck pen. I went in, slipped on some duck poo, tripped over the ladder, and knocked the door open. The ducks fled and I spent the next hour running around flapping my arms getting them back in. The result was it was dark when I climbed up the ladder and I wasn't in a good mood.
The flies had now spread out and were settling down for the night on the walls and in the windows, thankfully giving me space to push the loft door open. I peered in with a torch. The flies were even thicker in the loft space. The sloping roof was coated and the base was a blanket of dead flies. And there, over in the corner, was what I didn’t want to see. The thickest mass of flies was there and so was a huge bulge beneath the insulation, about six feet long and a foot high, the right size to be a body.
I had to find out what the body-shaped bulge was. I grabbed the nearest available tool for poking purposes, a child's hobby horse (a stick with a horse's head), and went up. On hands and knees I crawled through the crisp flies until I reached the bulge. By now the torch was giving up. It was one of those bright ones that can light up objects several miles away but lasts only about five minutes before it needs recharging. When they give up they dim very quickly. I had to investigate the suspicious bulge now while I could still see. I looped the end of the stick beneath the insulation and strained to raise it. It was heavy and wouldn’t move. With the light dimming fast and with the wife shouting up to me about something, I shoved hard. And then it started.
From the spreading darkness this evil laugh erupted. I'd never heard a proper evil laugh before but I heard it then, echoing through the roof space. Mwah-hah-hah, this deep voice intoned, Mwah-hah-hah. It dragged on and on. I screamed. I dropped the stick. The laughter stopped. I stumbled. I put out a hand to stop myself falling through the roof and landed on the bulge. The insulation rolled away, and just before the loft went dark I saw what was below: another roll of insulation.
I beat a hasty retreat. I fast-crawled across the loft, ran down the ladder, got an odd look from the wife who was talking with the husband on the phone about the history of the fly infestation, then went outside where I tried to be tough and manly about the whole thing. It seems, I then learnt, that a nearby farmer's pile of cow manure had drawn the flies and nobody knew how to get rid of them other to remove the manure and wait for winter. Nobody had died. Nobody had been dragged up to the loft to rot. As for the evil laugh: the hobby horse had a battery in it and when you pressed the horse's head it neighed, but the battery had run out and so it neighed at a very slow speed that sounded like Mwah-hah-hah.
So, nothing spooky in the end, except I went back every day for the next two weeks and fed the animals, and every time I pressed the horse's head hoping to hear that evil laugh again. But no matter how hard I pressed, it never made another sound.