Star Trek: The Enterprise Incident

Season 3's second episode is a big improvement over its first. The Enterprise Incident finds Captain Kirk getting a bit testy and for no apparent reason violating Romulan space. Three Romulan ships decloak and surround the Enterprise, and threaten to destroy it. Kirk and Spock beam over, but Kirk is not acting quite rational and Spock betrays him to the hottie Romulan commander. Who says gals with pointed ears and bad eyebrows can't be sexy? Of course we know it's all a big trick to grab the cloaking device and Mr. Spock isn't really a big Doofus.

This is one of the few Fontana episodes I like, but it doesn't make a lot of sense if you stop to think about it for too long and it's not particularly believable. Kirk gets his ears done, though, and Mr. Spock gets jiggy with the commander, so what more could you ask for? Enhanced effects on ships are nice. I must be getting used to the enhancements because I actually have to remember to look for them.

Sunday's Treks

Well, season three ends on a pretty good note with Assignment: Earth, though it is more a Gary Seven episode, then a Trek one. The Enterprise travels back to 1968 to observe a turbulent period in our history, While there, they accidentally intercept a transporter beam and bring aboard a man and his cat. The man is named Gary Seven and has been on a hidden distant planet. He returns to Earth to stop a potential nuclear incident but Kirk doesn't know whether he is lying or telling the truth. Plus he talks to his cat and his cat seems to talk back, so Kirk's confusion is understandable. The cat, however, turns into 1968's Playmate of the Year, so I can see why he keeps it around. Gary has a number of neato mosquito devices and a sassy computer to help him out. This was a pilot for a show that never made it to series, written by Art Wallace and Roddenberry. Art Wallace is of course best know for working on the gothic soap Dark Shadows.

So, Season Three enhanced begins and it begins with maybe the worst episode in the series' history, Spock's Brain. A hottie alien chick pops aboard the Enterprise and steals Mr. Spock's brain, because, well, she wants it. Actually she needs it to power her underground complex. Maybe the less said about this one the better, but girls in shiny purple are always a help for even the worst scripts. I can see why Gene Coon put a pseudonym on this one. And why the ratings didn't take a surge.

Saturday Trekking...

The second season was really a mixed bag of great and mediocre episodes and near season's end things were getting a bit repetitive. The Ultimate Computer is yet another smart assed machine with delusions of grandeur that takes over the Enterprise. Not fond of that type story to begin with but this being the second for the season is quite enough. Another Fontana episode, so not surprising I didn't much care for it, especially the cheerful little ending after so many people were killed. There are some nice enhancements with the space battles, however.

Bread and Circuses is another Roddenberry script (with Gene L. Coon) and a rehash of his others. The crew lands on a planet paralleling earth development, but this time it's the Roman's who televise gladiator games and executions. Kirk beds yet another hottie (I hate that guy sometimes...) and in the end they just leave. I can see why the show faced danger of cancellation. I think they needed more writers like Bloch and Gerrold adding scripts, and a return to the more wondrous sci fi episodes of the first season. That said, an average episode of Star trek is still better than much of what is offered today on television.

Star Trek: The Omega Glory

This is an odd episode, one I am not real fond of. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and the sacrificial red shirt beam onto an apparently abandoned Exeter and discover the crew has died of a mysterious malady that turned them to the base chemicals (they are just empty uniforms with salt crystals). Now they, too, are infected and must beam down to the planet, where the Exeter's captain is, or die in a couple hours. Just when you think this episode is going to be about a tense race to find a cure, the story goes in another direction and the malady becomes a non issue too easily. The other Captain is bonkers, thinking the inhabits live forever and wants to force McCoy to find the answer to their longevity. He's also said screw the Prime Directive and helped the peaceful Khoms by killings vicious Yangs.

Apparently the society paralleled Earth's exactly and there was a biological war between the Communists and US, and the US lost, but they have been trying to retake their lands ever since, having turned into white Indians. They have a battered flag, and worship the Constitution.

This episode was written by the show's creator, Roddenberry, and was one of three submitted to be the show's second pilot. Thank goodness it wasn't, because there would probably have never been a Star Trek series and franchise. The story is fairly heavy-handed and probably had too much going on for it to work in such a short space. It might have been much better with a half hour or more added to it and the disease subplot filled out and resolved better. That a civilization out in space could have had the exact same constitution and flag is stretching it, and by the time this episode was filmed and aired, the concept had already occurred enough on the show. Spock also was given a telepathic ability that he does not exhibit in most other episodes, except the previous and one other. It's one of those pat things that bugs the crap out of me when shows need to resolve something quickly.

Enhanced effects were minimal, but an added Exeter doubled parked with the Enterprise was cool.

Fantastic Four Minus One.

As fans of the Fantastic Four know, "3" has been the big event arc in the comic for the past few months. FF fans were told one of the founding members of the group was slated for the Great Beyond by arc's end--I was kinda hoping it would be the two annoying kids, but alas...(Note, I am NOT going t reveal who for those who haven't read the issue yet.) Marvel went so far as to seal the book in a bag to preserve the secret, which in the age of the Internet is impossible it seems, because a number of blabbermouths spoiled the surprise on a couple social networks a day or two before. Annoying.

More annoying was the book itself. I am pretty jaded and even sick of the kill-a-hero events that have been a staple in comics for too long now. They usually don't stay dead--fortunately. Captain America came back. Superman came back. Batman and Green Arrow came back. The Green Lantern and The Flash? Yep, came back. Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, Bucky, Jade, Thor, Robin. Even Aunt May climbed out of her four color coffin. So it means very little, when it should mean something.

It meant less in this issue because the story ended abruptly after issues of build up, with the following page where one of the other members boo-hoos with the kids made it feel like something was missing in between. It bugged me. I don't know if this is the fault of the writer or Marvel because there were six of more pages of useless ads and space filler promo directly after, which makes it even more annoying because it is a $3.99 comic book. If those pages had been used for story this might have ended with a bang instead of a whimper. An expensive whimper (and while I am at it, kudos to DC for drawing the line at $2.99, which is expensive enough for a comic book, and actually dropping prices on some titles.) I'm sure the aftermath will drag on for a while, and I am sure the character who "died" will be back in time. Any guesses on which character gets to die next? I'm thinking maybe Charlie Brown goes to kick the football and breaks his neck...now THAT would get fans talking...

Tonight's Trek

Patterns of Force is one of those Planet of the Nazis science fiction scenarios that crops up way too often. It was probably a newer concept in the '60s when this episode came out, but definitely not one of my favorite story lines.

The Enterprise is attacked while nearing two planets, upon one of which Kirk expects to find an old professor friend. When he and Spock beam down, they find his old friend has interfered with the prime directive and patterned the society after the Nazi regime, thinking its success could be duplicated without its barbarism. Wrong. Someone within the ranks has his own ideas and seeks to eliminate all of the other planet's peaceful inhabitants, a race called the Zeons. The parallels are obvious and the ending a bit pat.

The second episode tonight was By Any Other Name. Castaways of the Andromeda galaxy, who have taken human form, want to get back home because their galaxy is dying to gather their forces to conquer our galaxy. They carry devices on their belts that can freeze people in place or turn them into blocks of their basic elements. These blocks, once crushed, cannot be restored to a living person. They take over the enterprise, but their human form-taking has come with some problems--namely, human emotions such as jealousy and anger. Kirk, Scotty, McCoy and Spock use this against the aliens to regain control of the ship and Kirk teaches the pretty alien girl how to smooch. What a guy. The galaxy is saved.

I've never much liked this episode for some reason. Perhaps because seeing a hot crew girl turned into a cube and crushed to dust left a bad impression on me as a kid--getting turned into a block never works out well, as Charlie X also demonstrated--or because I don't seem to be a big fan of D.C. Fontana written episodes. But it was better than I remembered, so maybe I'm getting over my fear of blocks...

Star Trek: Return to Tomorrow

The Enterprise is drawn to a once living planet now centuries dead by a strange force that claims to be mind energy from one of its lost races. The energy has tremendous power, can form an air chamber and beam crew down miles below the surface, affect a Star ship's operations, but apparently can't do anything else because it is stuck inside a big glowing testicle. I mean, ball. Kirk, Spock and McCoy and Redbreast of the week discover there are three of these things in a chamber below the surface and all they want is to borrow some bodies so they can made android bodies for themselves. One of them, however, has other ideas and causes a bit of havoc.

This is one of those odd episodes that seems to appear in one form or another in every sci fi show sooner or later. It also mentions the "seeding" of humans by an alien race, something around for quite a while in science fiction before the episode, including being a staple in the old Captain Future pulp, wherein earth was originally seeded by Denebians. I believe Space 1999 did an episode on it as well called Testament of Arcadia, and probably a hundred other shows and stories dating much farther back tackled the concept.

Enhanced effects are minimal and nonintrusive. Planet looks much better and a dead world. Kirk gets to grope and play tongue hockey with the female guest star and all ends well in the galaxy...

Star Trek: A Private Little War

This is one of those political statement episodes I just don't care for. Since I get plenty of politics(read: too freakin' much) in real life I am not a big fan of it mucking up my escapism. But to each his own. This one is a Vietnam War allegory. Kirk, McCoy and Spock beam down to an Edenlike planet Kirk had visited years before, only to find somebody has provided the opposing villagers with firearms--in this case flintlock rifles--far beyond their technology level. Then we get served our lesson.

On the plus side there are white apes with spiked tails and poison fangs who look a whole lot less real now than they did back when I first saw the episode as a kid, and a hottie shaman wife in the scrumpdelicious form of Nancy Kovak who never seems to shut up. Not a lot of enhanced effects in this one, but what is there only helped. We get some more native guys in bad wigs, too. The universe seems ot be over-populated with David Soul clones...

Sunday Trekking

Tonight's episodes were both pretty good ones. A Piece of the Action is another of my favorites, wherein Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam down to a planet of imitative aliens who have based their society on 1930s Chicago gangsters. Machine guns, molls and crime bosses fighting it out to be the big cheese. The society has become this way because another Earth ship visited when the Prime Directive was not in effect and left a book about Chicago gangs behind. As a pulp fan, I found this episode particularly entertaining, plus learned how to paly Fizzbin. The enhancements were minimal and unintrusive.

The second episode was The Immunity Syndrome, wherein a Vulcan ship vanishes and the Enterprise is sent to investigate. The encounter a giant vagina, er, I mean, a weird black hole in space that captures them in its influence and slowly draws them in. The thing is a living creature and considers them a foreign invader, like a virus, and begins draining their energy. The enhancements in this one generally add a lot, though the black shape still looks a bit like a kindergartner's construction paper cutout. Some tense moments for Mr. Spock and overall a suspenseful episode.

Star Trek: The Gamesters of Triskelion

This is one of the Star Trek's I actually do not like. While beaming down to an unused space station, Kirk, Uhura and Chekov vanish on the transporter pad and end up light years away on the planet Triskelion, which is run by glowing gems with gambling addictions. They must face opponents in an arena, to the death. Along the way, Kirk teaches a big-chested chick in a silver diaper the meaning of "love." Um, right. Love. The guy will boldly stick his tongue where no man has gone before.

These humanoid cockfighting plots have never been my favorite and this episode just leaves me flat. The green-wigged diaper girl always kind of creeped me out. The enhancements to the planets are pretty nice, but with as many alien and human chicks as Kirk bedded, it's hard to take him serious when he makes ooshy gooshy talk.

As an addendum to yesterday's Tribble blog, someone suggested I watch the Deep Space Nine Tribble episode...so I did. It was actually pretty amazing they way the new show integrated its characters with the old show and members "met" each other.

Star Trek: The Trouble with Tribbles

Disc five on the Season 2 enhanced set contains only one original episode, the fan favorite, The Trouble with Tribbles. Everybody pretty much knows the plot to this one. The Enterprise is assigned to protect a grain shipment on a starbase and Klingons want to muck that up. Meanwhile Cyrano Jones, a space trader of dubious character, introduces Tribbles to the space station. Tribbles multiply all by themselves--sort of like the Octomom--and eat everything in sight. Soon the station and the ship are overrun with them. The also don't like Klingons and end up saving the day.

The episode is of a more humorous bent than most Trek shows and I am probably one of the few who does not list it in my top ten shows. The effects in this one--CGI enhanced starbase, especially--look a little intrusive with the older series for some reason, though they are certainly more realistic than the original. The addition of a Klingon ship around the station is a nice touch. For some reason a brief dialog line by Spock was cut, which is a bit annoying on an enhanced set. I don't so much mind the addition of things to shows, but I dislike cutting anything. The original working title was apparently A Fuzzy Thing Happened to Me, so we can be thankful it was changed.

The disc also comes with a Tribble episode of Deep Space 9, but I am not a fan of this series, so did not watch it. Also included is the animated series Tribble episode. The animated series was a pretty good Saturday morning show and the original actors did the voices of the crew, making it pretty authentic. The episode was written by David Gerrold, who penned the original Tribble episode. The animated series is available on DVD and worth picking up for Trek fans, though a bit pricey.

Star Trek: Wolf in the Fold

Tonight's Trek from the season two enhanced DVDs is, along with Catspaw, my favorite in the series. Not coincidentally, Wolf in the Fold was written by the same writer, Robert Bloch, as that episode and concerns Kirk taking poor Mr. Scott, who was bonked on the noggin and sustained a bit of damage, to pleasure planet Argellius II for a bit of R & R. Seems there are a lot of belly dancing chickies there, so we can easily guess why Kirk chose that planet. Mr. Scott gets a hankering for a particular gal and wanders off into the foggy night with her. Moments later a scream rips out and Kirk and McCoy discover the body of the young woman with multiple stab wounds and Scotty standing over her holding the knife. Soon other women end up shish-kabobbed and Mr. Scott is the again prime suspect.

They convene a hearing aboard the Enterprise and, using an advanced lie detector, discover Scotty is, of course, not responsible, but a malevolent force that can hop bodies and into computer systems is. This is the force that was Red Jack on Earth in 1888--Jack the Ripper. Enhancements in this one are minor, but they are not needed. I have always had a sort of fascination with Jack the Ripper, using him in some of my own fiction, and in this episode Bloch found a pretty neat way to get him into the future. He was, of course, responsible for a number of Ripper fictions, beginning with the short story in Weird Tales, "Yours Truly, Jack the Ripper" and placed him in the future in a story for Ellison's Dangerous Visions anthology. I think the episode is one of the best of the series. Interesting enough it stars John Fiedler, Gordy the Ghoul from the Night Stalker TV series.

Tuesday's Trekking

From the enhanced DVD set tonight's Trek was a mixed bag. The first, The Deadly Years, is one that has always creeped my out a little. Perhaps it is Shatner without the toupee, or so much of the toupee. Beaming down to an outpost, the landing party, with the exception of Chekov, picks up a nasty little disease left by comet radiation that ages them at an extremely fast clip. The race then becomes to find a cure before they all die of old age. And you just know the sudden appearance of a new yeoman on the mission bodes ill for the poor thing. The actors do a nice job with the aging but for some reason this episode just never thrilled me. It is interesting though, in retrospect, knowing how the crew really aged, to compare it with the aging makeup used int he show. Some nice enhancements on the Romulan battle.

Tonight's second episode was Obsession, one I put near the top of my list. When Kirk, Spock and three sacrificial red shirts beam down to a planet to collect a super hard metal, they encounter a sort of vampire cloud. The cloud is something Kirk has run into previously, and feels guilty over hesitating to fire phasers in that meeting and not saving lives. Back on the Enterprise he becomes obsessed with destroying it, risking a mission to get medical supplies to another planet in time. The cloud follows them, but apparently doesn't like Spock's green blood and flees back to the planet. Clouds were always a bit problematic on Star Trek, and this one is the king trouble cloud. The enhancements are pretty nice on the cloud in space and on the planet, especially the addition of a crater after the explosion that kills the creature.

In the Mind of Madness

One of the most difficult parts of being a writer, for me, is getting into the heads of characters I detest, especially those characters who are depraved murderers and the like. It takes an emotional toll on the writer and can take one on the reader as well, if we do our job right.

This past weekend I spent quite a bit of time in the mind of one of history’s most notorious butchers, Jack the Ripper, then a bit more time in the head of a female psychopath for a Western project. Both were told from the killers’ points of view and I confess it left me feeling depressed and somewhat dirty afterward.

For a few hours I had to be Jack the Ripper as he stalked the woman who was purportedly his final victim, Mary Jane Kelly, through the filthy streets of Whitechapel. I had to feel what he was feeling, think what he was thinking. And it wasn’t pleasant. It was “From Hell,” as the Ripper terminology goes.

The female psycho was a bit easier in ways, for while I like to get very close to the characters I write, I was able to use a bit wider lens on this one. Her role will increase as the tale moves on, but she is largely created from whole cloth. Jack the Ripper was real, and something about that, combined with researching him and seeing the gruesome photos of his victims, brought the utter viciousness of this man—and those like him—home. He wasn’t some fantasy hockey-masked dude with an ax. He was a man, a sick psychopath who preyed on women forced into prostitution, those with addictions and ostracized from Victorian Society.

I don’t know how other writers feel when they rummage around in the dark recesses of a sicko’s mind, especially writers dealing with serial killers. I’d like to hear from them. I wonder what readers think of writers who present realistic portrayals of such deranged people. Peering into the darkness too closely can either consume you or give you a much deeper revulsion for the cruel deeds of those who prey on the innocent. But it’s an emotionally draining task.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go open a newspaper company, put on a mask and fight crime, just to assure myself there is still hope for humankind…

My name is Chloe Everson…and I kick demon ass…
THE CHLOE FILES by Howard Hopkins
In the tradition of Sookie Stackhouse and Buffy, The Vampire Slayer…
In paperback from http://www.bn.com/ and http://www.amazon.com/

Sunday's Trekking

Tonight's shows included two more non-favorites, one better than the other. Journey to Babel involves the diplomats of numerous planets being transported to a conference to take up discussion and vote on an alien race's, one that just happens to be rich in dilithium crystals, into the Federation. In this episode we get to meet Spock's parents, and find out there's a bit of tension between him and his father, Sarek. Sarek also has a health problem that needs immediate attention, and only Spock can provide the blood for a transfusion. Unfortunately somebody aboard is trying to sabotage the vote and destroy the Enterprise by killing one dignitary and stabbing Kirk. This episode is the better of the two and does have its moments. We get a glimpse into the relationship between Spock's Vulcan father and human mother, though the pair seems a mismatch. and of course there are gold midgets, so how can you go wrong with that? And I do have a fondness for the Andorians (and green girls, but that's a different story...) The piggy-faced dudes, not so much. Enhanced effects are nicely integrated.

The second episode, Friday's Child, is one of my least favorites in the series. Kirk, Spock and McCoy and one dispensable redshirt beam down to a mining planet populated by a race with peculiar and often deadly customs. The planet has dilithium--again with the crystals--but apparently the Klingon's have sent an emissary to botch the deal supposed to be signed between the planet and the Federation. Aliens with pony tails, dragged out sequence with Scotty following a distress signal and suspense that sort of just peters out make this a subpar entry. A guest appearance by the lovely Julie Newmar as a bitchy pregnant wife of the tribe leader helps, but even the attempted humor involving McCoy and her childbearing seems flat, unlike Miss Newmar's...er, nevermind.

He Hunts the Biggest of All Lame...

"Trying doesn't matter if you always fail..." Or something like that. Hollywood should perhaps have paid more attention to their movie's own tagline, because The Green Hornet, starring Seth Rogan--who cowrote the dreadful script--fails miserably.

I expected bad. But not this bad. Not Jonah Hex bad. I am fairly tolerant of superhero movies, even to the point of enjoying some of Catwoman (though probably in large part based on Halle Berry in leather), but this gets my vote for one of the worst, if not worst, hero films ever. The theater at ten minutes until the movie was dead empty. Only right on the heels of the start did a group of adolescents wander in. They remained quiet the entire film and left groaning. I left feeling a bit ill.

Caution, there will be spoilers ahead, though I seriously doubt I could spoil this movie anymore than it is already.

Will Hollywood never learn when it comes to taking iconic or cult characters and stripping them of everything that makes them special? Apparently the success of Spider-Man, Batman Begins, Iron Man and The X-Men in playing it straight made no impression. The movie, quoted from Rogan himself, is supposed to be a "buddy comedy." Well, it's not funny. It's cliched. Rap music--check. Heterosexual and homosexual innuendo--check. Nail hero in the balls for laughs--check. Act like a buffoon so your ethic partner can save your ass--check. Ruin a franchise for twenty years--check. Add lots of salty language because you can't write real dialog and have to impress the teens--check. Movie trying to be so cool it is lame--check.

Seth Rogan is not funny. He's a one-trick pony and it's a bad trick. And this movie makes it painfully obvious. Jay Chou as Kato (though no Bruce Lee) looks the part but at times speaks with such a heavy accent you can't understand a damn word he is saying. DA Scanlon? Really? Had to go for the cliché there, didn't you, guys?

The villain kept asking if he was scary. Um, no.

I enjoyed twenty seconds near the finish, when the Black Beauty does something cool and the TV music kicks in. The car was the best part of this green turkey. The car rocked.

I can accept changes to the mythos. I really can. I enjoy the hell out of Smallville, which takes big liberties with the Superman legend. I don't even mind the 1960s Batman show. As long as the soul of the character is intact. But I do mind when they make a joke out of something and produce a movie that is a virtual flipping of the bird at fans of the genre and the hero.

It's sad, really. Because you can see flashes of what might make a great Green Hornet movie if treated seriously. The scene where the Black Beauty gets buried after being crunched between trucks and some of Kato's fight scenes, and the threat of what might actually happen if The Hornet tried to hone in on gangs' territories all would work well in a serious flick.

The movie pulled in slightly over $10 million opening day, which means it's going to be a hell of a long way to recouping the $125-50+ million it cost to make. And deservedly so. I shudder to think of young people having this movie be their first Green Hornet experience. And I will never see another Rogan movie again.

What a colossal letdown, even for one who expected the worst...

Friday's Trekking

Tonight's viewing started with one of my least favorite episodes of the series, I, Mudd, Kirk's second encounter with the galactic conman. Never much cared for dear old Harry and while the episode starts interestingly enough with the Enterprise being diverted by an android to Harry's planet--where he thinks he rules over a race of androids from the Andromeda galaxy--it degenerates into silliness and nonsensical plotting. You can almost see the writer sitting there smoking a pipe packed with funny fern as he wrote the dancing without music scene. However, if you are going to manufacture a bunch of female aliens, whom we hope are anatomically correct, Harry did have the right idea making cutie pies eager to fulfill your every wish. The enhancements didn't matter much in this episode. Apparently there are a couple deleted scenes, and I am not sure why they weren't restored, but it couldn't have hurt to add them back in.

Second on the playlist was Metamorphosis. This has always been one of my favorites. The crew of the shuttle craft--Kirk, Spock, McCoy and a bitchy ambassador with a deadly illness--is caught by an electrical entity and drawn to the surface of a nearby planet. There they encounter Zefram Cockrane, inventor of the warp drive, who disappeared in space 150 years before. However, he looks not a day over 35. They also encounter his "companion" the electrical entity that brought them there to keep Cochrane company. It's a nice boy meets horny sparkly thingy story. I am actually a bit surprised they didn't enhance the electrical cloud entity better because at times it looks like a bad see-through clown suit with sparks. Other effects are seamless and clearly an improvement. Still a great episode.

Tuesday's Trek

Tonight's enhanced episode is one of my all time favorites, Catspaw. I try to watch it every Halloween and can recall seeing it right before Halloween as a kid. Written by veteran horror author Robert Bloch, who also wrote another of my favorites, Wolf in the Fold, this comes with eerie curses, scary witches, black cats and spooky old castles.

After the landing party disappears while exploring a supposedly lifeless planet, one member--not even wearing a red shirt this time--beams up, only to drop dead on the transporter pad and have a strange curse flow from his dead lips: Stay away or face doom.

Of course, Kirk pays that no mind and beams down to the planet. He soon encounters all the trappings of Halloween and a couple of aliens, one rather vicious and seeking to learn all the sensations of her new form. Kirk willingly obliges her on some of those sensations. What a guy.

Enhanced effects are great, making the castle spookier, and are seamless. The aliens still look a bit like pipe cleaners, but at least the enhanced version removes the obvious wires attached to them. I believe Bloch wrote one other episode, What are Little Girls Made of, and I wish he had written more.

Terror Tuesday: More Horror Movie Mayhem…

Another Terror Tuesday creeps into your computer and we again delve into the 50 movie Terror Pack of terrible titles and even more terrible tales. Will the fear ever end? Naw, not until Mill Creek stops putting bad horror movies in big inexpensive collections.

1) Monstroid. 1979 entry with the naughty parts cut out, which are perhaps the only thing that might have saved this movie. A lake monster trudges ashore to chomp on lovers and sundry inhabitants of a Columbian village. The monster is pretty darn scary—not! If you chuckled a bit at the Gorn from Star Trek, this one will give you convulsions. Oy. Neeeextttt!

2) Terror in the Jungle. After a plane crash in the Amazon, ‘gators eat everybody but a little boy (who does so much annoying whining you're kinda rooting for the 'gators), who falls into the hands of killer natives. That’s as far as I got. Dreadful. Boring. Onward.

3) The Oval Portrait. 1972 ghostly tale based on the Edgar Allen Poe story and a pretty good one. Civil War period about a portrait that seems to house the spirit of a mad painter’s wife. A young woman becomes possessed and the mad painter dances with particularly grisly corpse. Haunting and well worth watching.

4) Don’t Answer the Phone. Wrong title, which should have been Don’t Watch this Movie. Gratuitous exploitation serial killer tale. Lots of boobies, swearing, bad writing, worse acting and seamy story telling. A deranged Viet Nam vet lures women into his lair to take photos, usually naked, then murders them in degrading ways. Everything a serial killer movie should not be. Felt like I needed a shower afterward to clean it off my brain.

5) The Undertaker and His Pals. What the hell? Very strange movie that is supposed to be black humor…I think. And undertaker needs business and his pals, a failed med school psycho and a restaurant owner need dinner specials. No, I am not kidding. They dress up as motorcycle members, select a chick from the phone book, then kill her and cut off some part of her anatomy to serve up as the blue plate special. For instance, they murder a young woman whose last name is Lamb, then cut off her walking sticks and serve Leg of Lamb as the weekly special. Really. Another woman they call chicken…yep, breast of chicken. Another they grind up into burgers. Then the undertaker gives the poor grieving family a nice deal on a funeral—and adds a thousand bucks to the fine print. This film is like watching an accident. You don’t really want to look, but for some reason do anyway. Some real groaner laughs here. Watch at your peril.

6) Fangs of the Living Dead. A young woman inherits a castle and guess what? Yep, full of blood-suckers. Not bad, though obviously has had the breasts edited out. Damn.

7) It Happened at Nightmare Inn. Two spinster sisters running an Inn for female tourists decide upon their moral integrity and punish accordingly. One ends up on the dinner menu. Pretty bad, gave up halfway through.

8) Scared to Death. Bela Lugosi having a bad day. Weird movie about a corpse telling a tale. Awkward transitions, dumb characters, and midgets. Well, one ornery midget. More a mystery about how the woman was frightened to death.

9) Bloody Pit of Horror. Some photographers and their models stop by a supposedly deserted castle for a location shoot only to find it is not deserted. A muscular lunatic thinks he is the Crimson Execution, a man killed and haunting the castle for acts of depravity hundreds of years previous. Two words: Mickey Hargitay. Those should be considered a warning label for poor acting. Torture scenes you get the feeling were intended to be erotic but don’t even come close. Mostly just stupid. The Marquis de Sade is spinning in his grave.

My name is Chloe Everson…and I kick demon ass…
THE CHLOE FILES by Howard Hopkins
In the tradition of Sookie Stackhouse and Buffy, The Vampire Slayer…
In paperback from http://www.bn.com/ and http://www.amazon.com/

Monday's Trekking

Tonight's episodes are two of my personal favorites. "The Apple" has Kirk and the gang--and a high number of red-shirts whom you just knew were going to be Trek toast--beaming down to a paradiselike planet, only to find there are things int he Garden of Eden that can kill you dead, dead, dead. Poison dart-shooting flowers, exploding rocks and on target lightning all dispense with an above average number of security officers. The landing party encounters members of a tribal society who don't age, get sick or have any children. Hmm, no teens? Perhaps it is paradise after all. These natives worship and feed Vaal, a dragon head rock formation that sits atop a machine of great power. This power regulates the atmosphere, native health and a host of others things, along with posing a threat to the Enterprise, which it snares in a tractor beam and starts dragging towards the planet's surface. Of course, Kirk and crew can't let these people have their perfect society, so the Prime Directive gets ignored again and pretty soon they have the natives kissing and killing each other.

I think this might have been the very first Star Trek episode I ever saw, around the age of six. My parents could not have been paying attention to what was in the show. It forever gave me an appreciation of women in valor mini skirts--Gee, I miss Yeoman Rand this season--and again the naughty little belly buttons sneak through the censors on the native girls. Barbara Eden must have been having fits. Effects improve the episode, though it might have been nice to rework the Dragon head a bit to look less like a paper mache construct and perhaps the eyes could have been animated to look less painted. It was pretty scary to a six-year-old in '67, but as an adult loses a lot of its intimidation.

The second episode is The Doomsday Machine, perhaps one of the best of the series. A giant ice cream cone is chomping up planets and star ships. The captain of the USS Constellation, whose ship has been ravaged by the "planet killer" and whose crew have been killed, becomes obsessively bent on revenge against the machine and determined to destroy it--by using the Enterprise. William Windom as Commodore Matthew Decker gives an excellent performance and the show has plenty of tense moments. Enhanced effects make it even better. An original score was written for the episode, one of the few episodes to have this feature. A number of scenes are restored, having been axed for more commercial time in syndication. This is a classic Trek episode.

Tonight's Trekking

Tonight's episodes of Star Trek Enhanced Originals were never two of my favorites, but viewing them full length and cleaned up made them better. The Changeling is the weakest of the two, in which the Enterprise is attacked by a probe anmed Nomad that has become "perfect" after merging with an alien device and getting its electronic brain scrambled. Since the alien device was a scientific soil analyzer, it really makes little sense how the thing would have shields and weapons far beyond those of a Star Ship, but sometimes you just have to ride with it. Anyway, this amped up coffee pot kills Scotty and fixes him, wipes Uhura's brain and dispenses with its quota of red shirts before giving up the ghost. Effects were quite well integrated and definitely made an average episode better. I have to admit, I am starting to wonder what these would look like on a high def screen.

In the second, Mirrior, Mirror, Kirk, Uhura, McCoy and Scotty are trying to negotiate a dilithium crystal deal with some peacenik aliens (left unresolved at episode's end, I think...) when an ion storm whisks them to an alternate universe during beam up. The alternate universe is a violent fascist one in which officers advance in rank by means of murder and entire populations are exterminated if they don't acquiesce to terms. Uhura and another hottie--that's right, Kirk simply does not have enough human and alien women to bed in the known universe so he gets to shank more in an alternate one. I guess the lesson here is if you have a nice toupee and a decent girdle you can have your pick of chicks. I assume they never showed him the military alien STD films, however--break the belly button barrier poor Jeannie never could. Enhanced effects are fairly minimal in this one. I have never been a big fan of alternate universe stories or returnign probe stories, but certainly the better of the two episodes.

Stark Trek: Who Mourns for Adonais Enhanced

Before taking a look at the episode, I'd like to touch on the tragic events of today's shootings in Arizona. I normally do not get into politics, because frankly I see enough of it everyday and I don't give a damn what a celebrity, author or any public figure has to say about it. I make up my own mind, after determining the facts as best I can, with the information I have and like to keep my escapism uncluttered by such things.

But I do want to say I am sick to death of people of either political affiliation using a horrific incident like the one that occurred today for any agenda or chance to sling mud at the other side. Within moments comments were flying, especially on the Internet, and as far as I am concerned it's in extremely poor taste and tactless. I don't care which party supporter does it. What happened today transcends silly political back-stabbing and small-minded folks who can't wait to run their mouths and point fingers, or use it as a chance to slam the philosophies or policies with which they disagree.

This congresswoman was a Democrat, with her own views, ambitions and dreams. President Reagan, Lincoln, McKinley were Republicans. President Kennedy, Senator Kennedy were Democrats. So what? Who cares? What should matter is they were human beings and in the United States we remove people from office with our vote, not our weapons. This lunatic who shot this woman and killed at least six others, including a little girl...does not matter what his party or political viewpoint is to me. What matters is he is a deranged, sorry sonofabitch who deserves the worst the law can give him. And what matters is those who were killed, injured, and their loved ones who have to deal with what happened today and live with it for the rest of their lives. So save the petty bitter conspiracy theories and blame slinging for another day. Allow the families left behind time to grieve, and allow the country time to grieve. Try something a bit more constructive, like coming up with ideas on how to stop this idiocy from happening before another innocent person suffers. There are times to leave the politics in the box, and this, in my opinion, is one of them.

Ok, on my soapbox and onto better things. Dipping into the enhanced version of the second episode of the second season, we find Kirk and the crew nearing the planet Pollux IV when a giant green hand grabs the Enterprise and holds it fast. The hand, an energy field, belongs to a being calming to be the Greek god Apollo. Apollo "invites" Kirk, Scotty, Chekov, McCoy and the one-episode cutie pie down to the planet and tells them they are there forever and ever and they'd just better like it. They will raise sheep and worship him, while he gives the none too bright scientist hottie Mr. Scott wants to play Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with a groovy sparkly Greek gown that shows off plenty of skin for the time period and somehow sticks to her cleavage in a magic way worthy of the ancient gods. Course, Kirk and crew do not really want to raise sheep, so there's a problem and the Prime Directive goes out the space window, per usual.

I have always liked this episode. The guy who plays Apollo, Michael Forest, manages to display this befuddled why-don't-you-love-me look that carries the show. Leslie Parrish as the object of his affection is gorgeous if a little dense and has the curves to cause starship accidents. The enhanced effects in this one are pretty much perfect, not intrusive at all, with the possible exception of a little fake looking sparkle in the final laser hit on the temple. A bit of hokey mokey science, but who cares? On this disc are also a couple special features, home movies and reminiscences by one of the bit actors and interviews with some of the writers and actors from the second season. Excellent transfer, clean up and still one of my personal favorites.

Star Trek: The Original Series DVDs

Recently I found the Season 2 & 3 of the original Star Trek series DVD for a very good price, so picked them up. A big fan of the original show, I'd been waiting for them to drop in price, and hopefully Season 1 will come down sooner or later and I'll grab that as well. I don't have high definition or a blue ray player at this point, so your mileage may vary.

Watched the first episode of Season 2 tonight (Sept. 15, 1967), Amok Time, in which Mr. Spock gets a case of the hornies and needs to get back to Vulcan fast to mate with the bodacious but bitchy T'Pring. This season introduces Chekov and the episode was written by famed sci fi scribe Theodore Sturgeon.

This episode has never been one of my favorites, I have to admit (my favorites being, City on the Edge of Forever, Catspaw, Wolf in the Fold & Doomsday Machine), but since these are the remastered, enhanced versions I did watch it with a new perspective. The quality of the transfer is excellent and things appear that I never noticed on the original or repeated broadcasts, such as a certain Captain's magic hair. Overall the enhancements are a great job, except I found the new panoramic view of the crew walking across the stone archway a bit jarring with the rest of the sets. It stood out, while many of the other enhancements were seamless.

I think they made an average episode much better, though, and I'm looking forward to watching the rest of the season.

The packaging of these sets is...interesting. While the plastic box is neato mosquito, the interior sleeves are chintzy and award--and the hinges not very durable. The episode listings are on plasti-cards, which is ok, except the discs themselves are not labeled, and should be.

So...You Want to be a Writer...

Every once in a while I’ll get an email from some poor soul that goes something like: I am going to write a bestseller—tell me how to do it. Um, ok. Buy kneepads? So I ask, do you have an idea? Well, no, said mailer responds. Hmm. That might be like saying you want to open a restaurant and have no idea what kind of food you want to serve or how to start a business. It’s as if they think the writer they are asking can throw magic dust on them and viola! they are Stephen King or Stephanie Meyer. It’s THAT easy…

No, it’s not. My reply usually then consists or, well, you need to know what you want to write about, what genre interests you, fiction, non-fiction, or The Idiot’s Guide to Lawn Gnomes.

Ok, person says. Then what? How do I break in and make a million dollars?

Back to the kneepads…

I try to tell them, first you have to sit down and WRITE. And write and write and write. Hone your craft through hours and hours of practice.

Wait, what? Why do I have to do that? Can’t somebody else just type it for me?

Ok, I guess you could indeed hire someone…but you still have to practice. And READ. Tons of books in your genre and in others.

Why would I want to read? I don’t have time to read if I am going to write a bestseller in a few weeks.

Um, expectation bubble…meet pin.

Unless you are Snooki and can make a living out of being obnoxious and have bubble boobs…you might want to take a more realistic view of the writing game. Sure, you may have talent. That would certainly be a help. But unless the Cosmic Seagull hits you with golden doodie, you are going to have to learn your craft and work for it. Work hard. And even then there’s no guarantee of success.

So listen up would-be scribes: If you want to be a writer you sit your ass in that chair and write and write and write. Don’t just talk about it. Take a Writer’s Digest class, read a thousand books in your chosen genre and read some more in other genres. Practice. Everyday. No musician would expect to produce a hit song without hours of daily practice on their chosen instruments. Writing is no different. Research the industry, too. Use realistic glasses, but retain faith in yourself, if indeed you do have talent. Or commit a crime and use that jail time so you can write. It can take years to find your voice. Get started NOW. And most of all—HAVE to be a writer with every cell in your being. Because it isn’t easy and you will need that drive. Writers don’t want to be writers—they have to be writers. They have stories to tell and the burning need to tell them.

Is that what you have? Good. Don’t write me. Write your damn story…

Now, if you will excuse me...I need to go ask Clark Kent how to be Superman...I'm sure it's only a few flying lessons.

Western Wednesday: Black Horse Range

Saddle up, pards and don’t forget to wear pants beneath your chaps, because it’s time to ride the Black Horse Range again.

Robert Hale, Ltd., publishers of the Black Horse Western line, launches its new ebook line this month. A new endeavor for the respected London publisher, they are releasing the first ever Black Horse Western ebooks in a four-pack bundle called The Black Horse Westerns Collection No. 1, which will sell for around 10 pounds. So all you cowpokes with Kindles, fire up those pintos and read, read, read. This is an exciting expansion for the line and will give folks a chance to sample different authors and choose their favorites to seek out in print or when Hale begins releasing individual titles.

Mosey on over to Steve M.’s Western blog for a very nice review of my December Black Horse Western Lance Howard hardcover release, The Killing Kind: http://westernfictionreview.blogspot.com/2010/12/killing-kind.html

Well, the new Western is finished and will be off to the publisher this week. It’s called Hell on Hoofs and concerns a manhunter desperately trying to give up his past—before it swallows him whole. But when he rides into the small nowhere town of Lancerville, hoping to retire, he finds himself accosted by a young woman wanting him to take one last case. Things, of course, ride straight downhill from there.

I find myself glad the book is over. The same way I feel every time I finish one. Yet, strangely a bit melancholy, too, like folks you have known for a spell have departed and you’ve been left alone. You miss them but are kind of happy they are gone. Soon you have new folks running around in your head, begging to be let out on paper or screen. The process begins again and a few more clumps of hair hit the floor. But it’s worth it. It has to be or there wouldn’t be so many bald writers, right?

Terror Tuesday: More Bad Horror Movies…

Here we are, back with the first Terror Tuesday of the brand new year and ready to slice, dice and make the stew nice. Hope your holidays were a scream…

Dipping into the 50 movie Pure Terror pack again…

1: My Mom’s a Werewolf…and this movie is a dog. Not sure what this pathetic piece of comedy is doing in the Pure Terror set, but Susan Blakely and John Saxon demean themselves in this 1989 flick that sees a lonely vegetarian mom romanced and bitten by a big bad wolf. Couldn’t even get through it.

2: Satan’s Slave. A young woman visits her uncle’s mansion and does naughty things with her cousin. Really naughty things. Eew. Oh, and she’s terrorized, too, and much boobage ensues. Seems there were some distant relatives with witchy naked ways. Worth watching, though you see the ending coming.

3: Grave of the Vampire. A woman is impregnated by a vampire. Child battles his urges and brings a whole new meaning to breast feeding. Not bad, but the ending, er, sucks.

4: The Tell-Tale Heart. 1960 version inspired by the Poe tale and pretty good. Neighbor Edgar develops a bit a of a fixation on the woman who moves in across the street. She’s pretty, perky…and enamored with Edgar’s man-about-town pal. Before long, somebody ends up beneath the floorboards and beating heart sounds begin to drive poor Edgar loony tunes. Recommended.

5: Curse of Bigfoot. What can I say? Curse of Yogi Bear? No, too kind. Gave up halfway through. It’s Ba-ba-bad, Boo Boo!

6: Dr. Jekyll and the Werewolf. Surprisingly, this one is much better than its title. A man suffering from the curse of the werewolf seeks Dr. Jekyll’s help with a cure, but things don’t go well. Another Paul Naschy film and worth watching.

7: The Eerie Midnight Horror Show. Satan, crucified statue coming to life and ripping off a gorgeous young woman’s clothes and naughty mommy flogging scene…what more could you want?

Next week: more mini reviews from the best of the worst…

My name is Chloe Everson…and I kick demon ass…
THE CHLOE FILES by Howard Hopkins
In the tradition of Sookie Stackhouse and Buffy, The Vampire Slayer…
In paperback from http://www.bn.com/ and http://www.amazon.com/