Authors and Steriods...Naming Names?

All this talk lately of baseball players being named for the use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone (HGH) has got me to thinkin’. I know, that doesn’t happen very often or come naturally, but bear with me.

It’s got me to thinkin’ about that other well-known group of office athletes through whom the use of such endurance- and strength-enhancing substances have run rampant. That’s right: authors. Especially horror authors. And here you thought we were all simply alcoholics with shotgun fetishes…

But I think it’s time to name names.

Yes, I know it’s sad, but you know how it starts. A sniff of White Out here, a case of Jolt there. Pretty soon you’re goin’ for the real juice because you need just another thousand words by midnight or a few more pages by Tuesday. Really, it won’t hurt you if you take just a teensy bit, right? Well, wrong, buster and bustettes. Before you know it you’ve shaved your head and sitting at your ‘puter without your underwear.

Oh, spare me the “my fingers ached real bad” or “I just wanted a little extra push for that deadline and never realized I’d grow a third testicle” routine. I’ve heard it all. And it’s time to stop and type naturally. Or hire a large-chested blonde to….Oh, whoops, sorry, wrong article…

It’s time to get it all out into the open. If you won’t help yourselves, well, someone will have to take away your keyboards and force you to scribble stories in crayon until you’re over the withdrawal. It’s for your own good all you Big Names on the Bestseller List. So without further ado, here’s the list of—

What? Whatta you mean someone’s at the door? HOW MANY??? They’ve got what? Wearing Stephen King masks, you say? Um, hold on…

List? What list? There never was any stinkin’ list. Really. I mean it. Now go away. Forget what you’ve just read. You know how we writers make stuff up. It was all a dream. Bobby Ewing in the shower.

Uh, gotta go. Quick. Three testicles will probably come in handy for something anyway…

Questions and Maybe a Serious Answer or Two...

One of the best things about being a writer is getting to meet and talk to your readers. It used to be the only place to do that was at book signings and various other author venues, such as library talks or genre conventions. But with the advent of the Internet and social networking sites like MySpace, Facebook and even blogs, the author-reader-fan relationship has become more intimate. So much so that many casual email acquaintances have developed into life-long friendships. And while talking to readers is one of the best things about writing, it can also be one of the toughest. Most authors, by nature, tend to be shy, introverted, at least in social situations. Some of us more than others live in our heads a bit too much and blabber away like idiots in person—or, worse, can’t get a word out at all. Not a pretty sight when a reader asks a question about the writing lifestyle or a character in their favorite book. Drooling like an imbecile doesn’t do a lot for you either. Can you say “dork”? I know you can. And the occasional, um, risqué question? Ok, well those are more fun in person, but this is a blog, so we can’t have that much fun!.

Anyhoooo…a few weeks ago I decided to survey the hotties, um, I mean, my friends on MySpace and open the floor to any questions they’d always wanted to ask an author. These hotties, um, I mean, friends (oh, wait some are guys…not that they aren’t hotties…well, ok, no they aren’t but being handsome chaps in their own right I’m sure with a little make-up, a wig and a really good corset…) could ask anything, from serious to ridiculous. And they, familiar with the utter seriousness of my weekly Dark Bits columns, knew I might answer anywhere from serious to ridiculous. Or worse. But them’s the risks when you poke you finger in the monkey’s cage.

So without any further ado, the questions:

The terrific Tom asks: Who were your biggest influences (be it authors, media, family…etc), and would you describe a "typical" (assuming there to be such a thing) work day?

Howard: I think Lizzie Borden and Jack the Ripper were two of my earliest influences…their writing really cut to the heart of the…aw, damn, I’ve mixed up psychotics and writers again (though often I’m told we have a lot in common). Seriously, my biggest influence was Lester Dent, main writer of the Doc Savage series. His ability to draw a character and set a hook in a handful of words was amazing. His turn of phrase and setting a scene in a minimal amount of space were a gift. If not for him I would never have lifted a pen. Dark Shadows influenced me a lot, as well, for horror writing, and The Lone Ranger for westerns.

Describing a typical writing day is a bit harder, because it usually amounts to grabbing any time possible to sit my ass in a chair and just do it. There are so many distractions. It’s waaaay more fun to check email and tool around online. Basically, after the usual get up, eat cardboard cereal, get to the gym, shower, blah blah, I check email for anything that needs to be handled immediately—assuming I am not screaming at my local Internet provider for doing their regular bang-up job—then I either start writing immediately (if doing a blog, Dark Bits, Chloe Files, novel) or spending a couple hours working at online promotion. It’s tough to write more than four hours straight without your mind starting to sputter, but I tend to be a marathon writer, not a bits and pieces writer. Once I start I don’t stop until a goal is met, either a chapter or certain page count. Of course, life intrudes and stops and distractions are inevitable. On days I am not writing per se, I am researching for upcoming projects, editing for others, plotting (not to take over the world, though that’s always an option) or just working on something writing related. I tend to work late into the night as well.

The lovely Lisa remarks: Well, Howard, I don't exactly have a question...but I know some of your Dark Bits is really warped...

Howard: Fortunately I was dropped on my head a lot as a baby…that kind of thing is bound to show up sooner or later.

The beatific Bobby asks: Can you describe how it felt the first time you held one of your books in your hand?

Howard: Well, it felt hard. And flat. And kinda cold ‘cause it was winter and the package had been sitting outside in the mailbox for a few hours…

Seriously, the only greater feeling is having somebody tell you they enjoyed your story. Seeing the actual end result of months or even years worth of work, a real, mostly live, book is almost transcending. It’s a feeling that lessens a bit with successive books, but never truly wears off. It’s not quite as good as sex, but it makes the top ten list of reasons to shout “Oh, God!”

Bobby: The first time you saw one in a store?

Howard: Hey, that’s me! The manager wasn’t real cool with the silly happy dance, though. I think it might have scared some buyers. And security guards have noooo sense of humor.
Bobby: The first time someone asked you to autograph their book?

Howard: My first thought was “Why do you want my scrawl messing up your book?” I still am not used to that. I think it’s because I was told as a kid never to write in books…

The sensational Sharon asks: Do you work from with an idea that has a beginning, middle and end or do you just let the story grow? I like the way you do Chloe because it seems more like life itself, not so contrived as if it was planned.

Howard: Chloe Files has been a much different experience from the way I normally write because I had no plot, story or anything other than a sentence in mind when I started. That sentence was: Where in the World is Arlo Grimm? That’s it. I wanted it to be spontaneous and challenging. It became much more challenging than I expected it to be. I write them right before they go live, and normally I like to sit on work for a few weeks before doing final edits. But Chloe has become much more real to me this way, I think, even more so than in GRIMM, where she originally appeared. I have spent over 30 weeks with her so far, so she’s now more like a friend than a fiction. Which might not be a good sign. Generally, however, I get some sort of an idea, often sparked from a song title or piece of conversation or just a random bit of dialog that pops into my head and a three act structure. I use a very loose plot outline, usually no more than a word or four to give me a direction, since more often than not characters will go where they want. Some writers use a detailed synopsis, but that would ruin it for me and I wouldn’t want to write the story. Much of the fun is in discovering who the people inside your head are (and not paying 50 bucks an hour to have someone else do it for you.)

The magnificent Margie asks: Is it difficult to separate yourself from one of your characters when you are really into the story?

Howard: Not so much separate myself but I find it hard to leave them sometimes. You get attached to them, like they were friends. You know pretty much everything about them—and let’s face it you can go all control freak on their butts and there’s not much they can do about it!

Margie: Why do you write westerns and horror? They seem like such different concepts.

Howard: In some ways they are very different but in other ways not so much. Both involve a kind of bigger than life adventure, and characters who persevere against great fears or odds. There’s a sense of wonder and discovery to both genres, and even hope and empowerment. I have always been attracted to horror and spooky things, from watching Dark Shadows and old Universal monster movies as a kid to Scooby Doo. Westerns came a bit later, though I started out with The Wild Wild West and The Lone Ranger. My westerns tend to have elements of horror, mystery, romance and even modern themes, so a number of folks who normally don’t enjoy westerns tend to like them while some hardcore western fans don’t. Both genres come down to people and what’s inside, though, how they overcome great difficulties from within or from without.

Margie: Why do you use an alias?

Howard: At first it was a contractual thing, to use an alias on the westerns, but it also works well to separate the genres for the readers looking for a certain type of story. Even the two westerns I have under my own name owe more to horror because one involves vampires while the other involves a ripper. However, Lance Howard, my western pseudonym, is also my real name because I just switched my first and middle names to create it. Besides, there are warrants out in three states (you'd have thought Jessica Alba would be used to stalkers by now), so...

Margie: Do you have the basic plot and form worked out before you start a book? And do you know how it will basically end when you begin?

Howard: I always have a very basic plot worked out. But characters go where they want to go and show me new things along the way, so often that loose outline changes considerably. I like to have an idea what the ending will be, though with Chloe Files I had no clue where things would end up. I just prayed a lot. And sweated.

Margie: Do you have good luck charms like some athletes who were there lucky socks, or whatever before they compete?

Howard: I find writing stark naked does it for me. But you have to be really careful with the desk drawers. I mean, really careful. Other than that, nah.

Margie: How much of your time is spent trying to get published vs. actually writing. Or, if you don't really have to promote your work at this point, how much time in the past?

Howard: It takes longer to get published than to write a book. With getting published you are basically in control of nothing. A lot is luck, timing, having what the exact editor wants at the exact time and hoping he’s not in a bad mood because his dog pooped in his shoes that morning. Or you have to sleep with somebody. Promotion takes even more time than writing. And it is a lot less fun. Most writers, being introverts, want nothing to do with it, but are forced into it nowadays, unless they have a lot of spare cash to pay a publicist—and few do. It can be frustrating and mind-breaking, the business ending of writing. As hard as writing a book might be, what comes after in trying to get it published, or in promoting it after it is, is harder. Writers generally like to bake the cookies and move on.

The angelic Angela asks: Were you a creepy child? Did your parents have concerns on how you would turn out?

Howard: They are still concerned with how I’ll turn out! I was a nerdy child, into reading and comic books, but I never pulled the wings off butterflies, experimented on the neighbor kids or anything weird like that. Mostly just shy.

The luscious Lori asks: Since you live in Maine and write, do you know Stephen King?

Howard: Hmm, I had to x-ray his carry-ons once when I worked security at the airport and I am working on some fake DNA that will prove I’m his long lost son, does that count? My Dentist went to school with him, too. I wonder if he knows Kevin Bacon?

The sexy Sue asks: Boxers or briefs?

Howard: Um, do your boys hang low, do they wobble to and fro…hey, swimmers gotta swim, right?

Thanks to everyone who sent in questions. I appreciate y’all taking the time. And to Jennifer Love Hewitt who DIDN’T send one in…why, why, why, why, why???? ;)