America's (Maybe the World's) Greatest Threat?

This week’s subject is a bit more on the serious side. It’s about something that has been bugging me for a while now. I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy of some sort, though of what I haven’t exactly figured out. Yet. But I will.

Because “they”—let’s call they “they” for the moment—are insidiously working their way throughout American society. They are entering your houses and places of employment. You’ll find them in your bedroom, just…well, just lying there looking all harmless and needed. But they’re evil. At least, I’m pretty sure they’re evil. And probably a government plot of some kind. I mean, isn’t the government always responsible for that sort of thing?

What are these evil entities?

I call them glue boogers.

Oh, you know what they are. They come in your magazines and flyers, innocently holding a resubscription notice to your favorite periodical or keeping poor adolescent boys and perv mail workers from pawing through your Victoria’s Secret catalogs. Those rubbery, semi-sticky worms of, well, something, something probably chemical and just a hair’s breadth away from springing to life and taking over the world.

Beware, I tell you. Those glue boogers are up to no good. Notice how once they grab on you can’t shake them off your fingers. Notice how they never seem to go all the way into the trash can…no, they hang about the edge, just lurking, waiting to grab an unsuspecting passerby and insidiously stick to their jeans or flannel shirt.

Damn them.

Oh, they do have one productive use. They are great for freaking out just about any seven-year-old when you pretend to pull them out of your nose. Stretch ‘em long, I say. Really give the tot a fright.

Unless, of course, it’s one of those kids who already derives hours of pleasure from excavating the depths of their own noses and either smearing the results under a chair or saving Mom the trouble of mid-afternoon snack.

Hmm, maybe I should have called this week’s piece Green Bits…nah.