Don't Play with the Monkey!

We had monkeys when I was a kid. This was back in the 70s when they were still legal to own as pets. In fact, you could buy them in the back of magazines and comic books and have them shipped from Florida. My family had probably four or five, though not all at once.

Monkeys are an odd lot. They really are. This one in particular, a capuchin, we had was named Teekee and he might have been odd even as monkey oddness goes. He was kinda like the relative you had over for Thanksgiving dinner who seemed to think pulling out his dentures and setting them on the holiday table was really an ok thing to do. You know, the guy mining his nose for gems he could roll between his fingers for half an hour before dropping them on your floor or couch or flicking them at the cat. Yeah, THAT guy. Uncle Bert or some such.

Teekee was Uncle Bonzo in his unique furry little way. He had bad habits, as monkeys are wont to have. Oh, it wasn’t bad enough this little simian reprobate had the lack of shame to peel his banana in front of God and everyone. Noooo, that wasn’t nearly enough. Not only wasn’t it enough, but he saved it for those times you preferred he didn’t act up. My mother’s Lutheran minister, who visited every Thursday, learned pretty early on Teekee didn’t like him. No sooner would this guy walk by Uncle Bonzo’s cage than would the little devil decide to whiz on his pant leg. Or worse. This monkey was major league baseball material when it came to flinging poop.

But I digress.

At the same time we had this beagle named Puni. Now Puni was a kind, wonderful little bundle of duh. Not the brightest kibble amongst the bits.

And Teekee, that malicious poop-flinging, pant-whizzing little banana-peeler, knew it. Oh, how he knew it.

At the time the Purina company not only made dog and cat food. They made this noxious little nugget of goodness called “Monkey Chow”. Teekee liked Monkey Chow about as much as kids like lima beans. Or liver. Basically, he used it to bean the poor beagle in the tail end whenever the dog chanced to walk by the monkey pen.

You think that would have been enough to teach Puni to stay away from the cage. But apparently she couldn’t read the two-foot high Beware of Monkey sign.

Let me tell you one thing about monkeys. They like to torture you. If you show the least bit of fear they exploit it. If all your lights aren’t on they know it instantly and use it to their advantage.

As I said, not all of poor Puni’s lights were on.

Enter the Monkey Chow.

Teekee might not have much cared for those scrumptious little nuggets but Puni thought they were the closest thing to eating cat poop right out of the litter box. Teekee learned this quick. At nearly exactly the same moment, he learned beagles have big floppy ears that are loads of fun to pull.

Here’s the equation, which Teekee executed daily, if not more than that. One piece of monkey chow held out of monkey cage at arm’s length entices unsuspecting dog near cage. Dropping monkey chow makes dog lean in to gobble it up. Big floppy ears plus two dirty monkey hands equals tremendously loud squealing noise from dog.

Yep. Everyday we could look forward to that squeal. Teekee would grab both that dog’s ears and brace his monkey feet against the cage bars and yank. The whomp of the dog’s head hitting the cage was immediately followed by a yelping that could be heard for miles.

Teekee thought this was the bees knees. You could see the nasty little glint in his eyes and the smug toothy grin on his face. Of course, it would take a few moments to pry his greasy little hands off the dog’s ears. The dog would go running off, probably wondering why the hell she hadn’t fallen for the same trick for the fiftieth time. Teekee would keep on grinning that foolish monkey grin and chirp away as innocent as could be.

There’s a weird moral to this story. No, not Monkey Chow causes longer ears. Don’t keep doing the same thing over and over if it isn’t working, whether in our relationships, jobs or daily lives. Don’t sell yourself short and keep getting your ears pulled. And don’t eat monkey Chow. It tastes like poop. Don’t ask me how I know…