Authors and Steriods...Naming Names?

All this talk lately of baseball players being named for the use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone (HGH) has got me to thinkin’. I know, that doesn’t happen very often or come naturally, but bear with me.

It’s got me to thinkin’ about that other well-known group of office athletes through whom the use of such endurance- and strength-enhancing substances have run rampant. That’s right: authors. Especially horror authors. And here you thought we were all simply alcoholics with shotgun fetishes…

But I think it’s time to name names.

Yes, I know it’s sad, but you know how it starts. A sniff of White Out here, a case of Jolt there. Pretty soon you’re goin’ for the real juice because you need just another thousand words by midnight or a few more pages by Tuesday. Really, it won’t hurt you if you take just a teensy bit, right? Well, wrong, buster and bustettes. Before you know it you’ve shaved your head and sitting at your ‘puter without your underwear.

Oh, spare me the “my fingers ached real bad” or “I just wanted a little extra push for that deadline and never realized I’d grow a third testicle” routine. I’ve heard it all. And it’s time to stop and type naturally. Or hire a large-chested blonde to….Oh, whoops, sorry, wrong article…

It’s time to get it all out into the open. If you won’t help yourselves, well, someone will have to take away your keyboards and force you to scribble stories in crayon until you’re over the withdrawal. It’s for your own good all you Big Names on the Bestseller List. So without further ado, here’s the list of—

What? Whatta you mean someone’s at the door? HOW MANY??? They’ve got what? Wearing Stephen King masks, you say? Um, hold on…

List? What list? There never was any stinkin’ list. Really. I mean it. Now go away. Forget what you’ve just read. You know how we writers make stuff up. It was all a dream. Bobby Ewing in the shower.

Uh, gotta go. Quick. Three testicles will probably come in handy for something anyway…